I can’t even get the sentence out without trying to start rationalizing it. But today has been a really hard day.
Hard Day’s Night
It started just past midnight when Scout woke up. She and I were home while Tyler was being a supermom, pumping and loving on Avett. Scout, who is nursing a cold (so we were being extra careful by not being at the hospital), woke up sad. She is good at expressing her emotions and what makes her feel bad. Last night, in an attempt to comfort her, I told her that Mama was taking care of Baby Brother. She replied “I want her to take care of me.” And, on the inside, I fucking lost it.
Sorry for cussing. Well, kinda.
A girl who has been SO big and SO grown up is, after all, just a kid. Having sisters who are 18 and 10, who don’t live with us, Scout has been raised like an only child. She hasn’t had to divide attention and time with anyone. It was something Tyler and I both mourned as we checked into the hospital. We didn’t really get our last few weeks with her… we had plans to have some last hurrahs, just the three of us.
Wave of Mutilation
I have an uncanny ability to build damns that break. I can block out negativity with the best of them. People send a hurtful text, brush it off. Things not working out as planned, brush it off. Looming gigantic NICU bills, we’ll figure it out. Side note: the bad thing about owning your own business is that when you take off work, the income stops. Anyway, to the back of my mind it all goes.
But once I let a single negative thought settle in, the rest pour in like an ocean wave. I grab a bucket to scoop water overboard, but y’all… I’m in a funk. Is this normal day 6 stuff?
Next Right Thing
I can’t believe I’m about to quote Frozen 2, but have you seen it? Some mature emotions are happening in the sequel that Scout sings every day. While I’m not as morose as Anna is at this moment, she questions what she can do during bleak circumstances. She decides that even those she is lost and hope is gone, she just has to concentrate on doing the next right thing. For me today, that’s picking up Cece from school, cleaning the house, taking care of a sneezing Scout, and making dinner for Tyler.
Sorry for the downer. 🤦🏼
Thanks for being here.