Last night had one of the scariest moments of my life.

[TW: blood, pregnancy]

Nanu Nanu

Nothing about this current pregnancy has gone according to plan. If you remember from this post, Tyler has complete placenta previa. So we knew she wasn’t going to be able to deliver vaginally. No sooner had she gotten used to the idea, we had to move the date up from April 14ish to March 20th. That date for a c-section was set at yesterday’s doctor’s appointment.

And then last night, Tyler and I watched a documentary on Robin Williams. Scout was asleep in our bed and we decided to stay up a little late to spend time together. Halfway through the show, Tyler got up to brush her teeth. Less than a minute later she walked back into the living room, holding up her hand, saying my name. Hearing her say “Dale” caught my attention, because she usually calls me honey or babe. And I could hear the tinge of panic in her voice.

My eyes zeroed in on the blood that covered her raised hand. I sprang up like a bottle rocket and repeated (apparently out loud), “ok… it’s ok… it’s ok…” as I tossed on clothes. By this time (20-30 seconds?), there were pools of blood on the bathroom floor. Think of a crime scene, but real life. I told Tyler to throw on my thick, long bathrobe and get in the car. I quickly but softly picked up Scout from our bed and told her that we were taking mom to the hospital.

Scout Practices Medicine

For nearly a year, Scout has been fascinated with medicine, check-ups (“ketchups” for the longest time), and doctors. She has no fewer than 3 doctor kits. One of which has its own IV-bag stand and surgery kit. We often perform checkups on one another with her stethoscopes, looking inside ears, eyes, and throats. She even loved going to Arkansas Children’s Hospital when she had a norovirus.

So last night when we dropped Tyler off at the ER to go park the car, I talked with her about what she would likely see. I’m thankful I did. I told her that there would be blood on mommy’s legs and feet, but that we got to the doctor very quickly and that everything she sees is normal for this situation. I hid all panic and fear from my voice and assured her that we would all be ok.

Hearing that gave Scout the confidence to entertain the entire nursing staff for the next 2 hours. She was her adorable, outgoing self, despite it being 1am. Our little entertainer (and future surgeon?) told everyone about her own doctor kit, and her experience with her own ER visit.

She constantly surpasses our expectations.

Nicu

As I listened to the doctors and nurses talk with us about what was happening, I couldn’t imagine going back home without a baby. We were here to stay. And sure enough, Tyler’s doctor visited us today and said she would prefer to do a c-section in the morning. 33 weeks. I’m thankful for each and every one of those weeks that the baby has been able to develop inside momma. During the last appointment we learned that the baby is already nearly 6 pounds! I feel thankful for that. 33 weeks is not 40 weeks, however. Not by a long shot.

| Side story: When I photographed stillborn babies for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, a non-profit I started a local chapter for, I spent time with grieving families taking keepsake photographs. I’ve seen heartbreak. I’ve seen unconditional love. And I’ve seen beauty in the most severe situations. It’s a pain I hope I never have to feel. |

So when the doctor mentioned NICU today, I was flooded with images and emotions I wasn’t expecting. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting NICU to be mentioned. Then, the doctor said we would hear that the baby might have to stay in the NICU until the due date (April 14), and I told myself, “but it’s only February.” To be honest, I’m still struggling with this. I know that modern medicine and technology all but guarantee a positive outcome. But…

But I think about being unable to hold my baby, and I already miss the bonding. I think about Scout having to look at the baby through a window for the first weeks of baby’s life. And while I know it is a privilege to have such incredible care (of which I’m so thankful), my heart hurts for Tyler who is processing thousands of feelings I can’t even begin to understand. She is truly the strongest, most incredible woman.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow

Tomorrow our world will change forever. I am sitting here in the hospital chair thinking about this moment from the future. Will I be thankful the day after tomorrow? Or will I long to be back in this chair before some disaster strikes, writing this blog post with naive optimism? I’m hoping and praying that everything goes according to plan, because we’re kinda due for SOMETHING to go according to plan.

The sun’ll come out tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow
There’ll be sun

Just thinkin’ about tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow
‘Til there’s none

When I’m stuck with a day that’s grey and lonely
I just stick up my chin and grin and say, oh

The sun’ll come out tomorrow
So you gotta hang on ’til tomorrow
Come what may

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow
You’re always a day away

While last night was one of the scariest moments of my life, I hope all the scariest parts are behind us.

Thanks for being here,
Dale